I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he thought i was a dude.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
