I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
