omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
