I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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