Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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