I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
