I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
