Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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