Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
