Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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