Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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