I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
