buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
