So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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