So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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