Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
