I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
