Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
