I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
