we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
