I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
