he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
