Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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