omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
