I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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