I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
