This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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