my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
