I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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