I look better un-naked...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
