I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
