so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You need Xanax blowdarts
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
