Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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