I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
