I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
