i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
