his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
