Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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