Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
