my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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