my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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