I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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