My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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