DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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