I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
