tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
