You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
