I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
