John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
