She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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