Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
