I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
